Texas Chilli Cook Off

[BJoe]

Here's oldie that the tazer joke reminded me of

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
Hope it does the same for you!!!


If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City
Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
************************************************** ***

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
************************************************** ***

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
************************************************** ***

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
************************************************** ***

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
************************************************** ***

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
************************************************** ***

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
************************************************** ***

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I couldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during
the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's
too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
************************************************** ***

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
__________________

[JeremyH]

Man, I miss Chilympiad....

[TexasSP]

Originally Posted by JeremyH

Man, I miss Chilympiad....

Oh yeah!

Silly people who made this joke are obviously from no where near Texas. Chili should have absolutely zero tomato in it, no beans, and no big chunks of vegetables. It also must use chili powder and/or chili peppers of some sort.

Doing silly stuff like that would have you laughed out of the Chilympiad!

[goobs]

Originally Posted by TexasSP

Oh yeah!

Silly people who made this joke are obviously from no where near Texas. Chili should have absolutely zero tomato in it, no beans, and no big chunks of vegetables. It also must use chili powder and/or chili peppers of some sort.

Doing silly stuff like that would have you laughed out of the Chilympiad!

idk. my mom makes BA! chili and its got beans in it, not a lot though.

[RANOVRU]

True chilli queers will tell you theres only one right way to make chilli. I find prejudice against food to be almost as funny as the OP.

Thanks for the laugh

[JeremyH]

Originally Posted by TexasSP

Oh yeah!

Originally Posted by goobs

idk. my mom makes BA! chili and its got beans in it, not a lot though.

Why werent you two clowns at the comp today?!?!?

[TexasSP]

I told you why, sons bday party.

[JeremyH]

I know....just razzing you.

[TexasSP]

I am freaking tired though, need another weekend to get over the weekend. He had a blast though! I will tell you that when yours gets old enough it's much easier and cheaper to have it somewhere as opposed to doing it at home. Monkey Bizness rocks, great place and awesome people working there. They even make a list of who gave your kid what to help when sending out thank you notes.

I would have loved to make the comp. I have been too busy to even pull the front end off the LCC to see what the damage is much less order parts.

Looks like Josh cleaned up on ya'll though!

[JeremyH]

Bahhh.....he only bested me by 8 points.....everyone drove well that day!