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Old 11-26-2010, 07:17 PM   #21
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3 guys walk into a bar...
























the 4th one ducked.
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Old 11-26-2010, 07:38 PM   #22
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Why don't girls drink beer at the beach.









They get sand in their schlitz.
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Old 11-26-2010, 08:54 PM   #23
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What did the women at the beach say to Michael Jackson?









"Excuse me, you're in my son."
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Old 11-26-2010, 09:01 PM   #24
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Pot of bioling water ask's the egg
"you ready to get hard"?
The egg replies
"hell no,I've been getting laid all morning"!
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Old 11-27-2010, 12:06 AM   #25
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What do you call a Roman with pubic hair in his teeth?








Gladiator
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Old 11-27-2010, 01:25 AM   #26
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What's the difference between a gay and a dead horse? A. It's no fun beating a dead horse.


Q. How long may you look at a Muslim with one eye closed?
A. Until the magazine is empty.

Last edited by The Violator; 11-27-2010 at 01:27 AM.
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Old 11-27-2010, 08:10 PM   #27
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Not sure if this over the line or not but:


What is the difference between a Middle Eastern woman and a catfish?




























One of them has whiskers and stinks, and the other one is a fish!
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Old 11-27-2010, 11:02 PM   #28
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel hanging out of the front of his pants.

The bartender says "Hey buddy, you know you've got a ships wheel hanging out of your pants?"

The pirate responds "Yar, its driving me nuts!"




An elderly couple decides to spend the day of their 50th wedding anniversary the same way they spent the first day of their married lives....naked.

Early that morning the old man wakes up, walks downstairs and finds his wife is in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. He takes a seat and starts reading the paper. Soon she brings over the food and a pot of coffee and he begins to eat, nose still buried in the morning paper.

She takes a seat and says "you know Harold, after all these years, sitting with you here, both of us naked like on our honeymoon, my breasts still get a warm tingly feeling."

He gives her a quick glance over the top of his paper and says "Well they should. One is in your oatmeal and the other is the your coffee."
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Old 11-27-2010, 11:22 PM   #29
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Bob gets a newspaper job in a downtown skyscraper, and when he learns that there is a bar on the top floor, he makes plans to check it out.

After work he makes his way up and takes a seat at the bar. He's chit chatting with the bartender when a man comes in, orders a shot of whiskey, slams it, and pays for it. The man then walks over to the nearest window, throws it open and steps out.

Bob is horrified! But much to his amazement, the man that went out the window glides right back in seconds later, says goodbye to the bartender, and leaves on the elevator.

The next day Bob is back at the bar, once again chatting with the bartender when the same man comes in, orders a shot, goes over to the nearest window and jumps out. And again, seconds later, he comes gliding right back in.

Bob can't believe what has happened, so he stops the guy and asks what the deal is.

"Oh its simple!" he says. "The building next to ours was built so close that the updraft of air between them is unusually strong and steady. All a person has to do it step out and its like you're floating! It is a bit scary though, so thats why I take a shot before I do it."

Bob is still in disbelief.

The next day Bob is back, and right on cue, so is the mysterious man. He takes his shot, jumps out, glides back in, and this time comes back to talk to Bob.

"So are you ready to try it?" he asks.

Bob thinks he is, so he orders and downs a shot of whiskey.

"Just jump out, arms outstretched, toes down, legs slightly spread. Lean back to go backwards, forwards to go forwards, easy as pie."

Bob goes to the window, looks down the 40+ stories to the ground, takes a deep breath and jumps out the window. He falls to his death.

As the man gets up to leave, the bartender comes over to him and says quietly "You know what Superman? You're an asshole."
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Old 12-08-2010, 11:46 AM   #30
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How do you get a nun pregnant?























Tell the priest that she is an altar boy.
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Old 12-08-2010, 12:12 PM   #31
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What's the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods....
















Santa stops after 3 ho's........
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Old 12-11-2010, 01:58 PM   #32
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What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?





The mosquito stops sucking after when you've slapped it.
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Old 12-11-2010, 02:12 PM   #33
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Old 12-11-2010, 02:44 PM   #34
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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?


You can unscrew the light bulb.
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Old 12-11-2010, 03:00 PM   #35
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0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.





Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."




Redneck At The Bar
A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in.

With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.

He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.

The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"

The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"



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Old 12-11-2010, 03:04 PM   #36
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Redneck Jedi
You know you're a redneck jedi when..

You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

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Old 12-11-2010, 03:08 PM   #37
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alpaca!
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase!

don't know if this is passing the line or not, but let just see

Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she BL#@ his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fawk him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Last edited by spyderwebbcustoms; 12-11-2010 at 03:13 PM.
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Old 12-11-2010, 05:59 PM   #38
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Hurry up with the Madoff jokes..

I can't hang out here all day.
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Old 12-11-2010, 06:10 PM   #39
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"vugtdtrdgohihuvyvtersyhiopjkkhbhjhgfdtsretryui" - Helen Keller
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Old 12-11-2010, 06:27 PM   #40
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I'm calling BS on this Miley Cyrus smoking buisness.. She can't get her lips around her teeth, let alone a bong.
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