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Old 07-23-2012, 08:53 AM   #1
I wanna be Dave
 
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Default powered by two tiny AAA batteries.........

Dear Friends,
My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" ....Well, I have outdone myself once again....No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future....

Here goes: Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn that tick...led my fancy....(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled)....I bought something really cool for Toni....The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something special for my sweet girl....What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip....For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety....

The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety....You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek....If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out -- it's way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home....I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions, right?)....

I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to....I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave is....Okay, so there I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target....

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it....She is such a sweet kitty, after all....But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised, Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time....So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water....

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "NO freakin' way!" NO Freakin' way! --trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself....What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....Those of you who know me will have a pretty good idea of what followed....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one Side as if to say, "Don't do it buddy!" reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?)....I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it....

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty....It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time, Don't ya hate that?)...I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran In through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again....I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position....Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again! Do it again!"....

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself....You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by your violent thrashing about on the floor....Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly)....SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape....My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching....My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs, give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my ,,,,,,,,uhhhhh.....genitals..? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward....

LMFAO...........bob

....
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Old 07-23-2012, 09:00 AM   #2
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Default Re: powered by two tiny AAA batteries.........

Reposty-post. And a fairly common one at that.
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Old 07-23-2012, 09:31 AM   #3
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Default Re: powered by two tiny AAA batteries.........

It was about due...




2010
Only a man would attempt this...

2009
This is what a man would do!

Edit: Bob you replied to the one in 2009... WTF!

Last edited by GySgt Hartman; 07-23-2012 at 09:33 AM.
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Old 07-23-2012, 10:10 AM   #4
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Default Re: powered by two tiny AAA batteries.........

This is gods way of thinning the herd...
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Old 07-23-2012, 01:10 PM   #5
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Default Re: powered by two tiny AAA batteries.........

Quote:
Originally Posted by GySgt Hartman View Post
It was about due...




2010
Only a man would attempt this...

2009
This is what a man would do!

Edit: Bob you replied to the one in 2009... WTF!
i'm on many forums and i even did a search with title and got nothing here so i posted it up fer some ....at least it was 3 years ago and not 6 months ....one can't remember every post one made where and on what ......bob

....
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Old 07-23-2012, 02:01 PM   #6
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Default Re: powered by two tiny AAA batteries.........

that one's a pretty good one. i've got a true one that i did involving a different device....equally harmful, very deceptive.

a friend and i were shopping at the local sam's club. being college students, this was a frequent stop due to relatively low prices and a good selection. while searching the aisles for the bulk ramen package, we stumbled on an oddity....a personal breathalyzer. presumably made for you to self test before dragging yourself out of the bar to drive home, and finding ourselves in that situation frequently, we got one and brought it back to the dorms.

at the dorms, curiosity quickly took the upper hand. being that this was noon on a saturday, and having a small stockpile of booze, we decide to test this thing. the drink mixes we had were mojito mix and some hellish mixture of redbull and powdered gatorade from the weekend before (another story entirely). so the mojito mix and vodka came out, along with mint gum instead of the traditional mint leaf (high class). an hour and 3 drinks in, i blow a .07, my friend blows a .10. i proceed to call him a pansy with no tolerance and slam another. this continues in the dorms until roughly 3 o'clock.

at three, i find out that i have been replying to texts from some friends across town, and get a call that they are downstairs ready to go. i feel completely fine walking, but know that the unintentional text replies are a bad sign. we pack up a backpack, and give the breathalyzer another blow. i blow .20, my friend is visibly wasted, blows a .15, and the berating about his drinking ability continues, along with the statement that he won't be mixing the drinks anymore.

when we arrive at my friend's house across town, i step out of the pickup. the ground is starting to tilt. i remembered middle school health class suddenly, something about alcohol's absorption into the blood stream. upon arriving in the house, we both head down to the basement. i know this house well, it became home on the weekends during the year. my friend has never been here before, no one knows him, but he has liquor and a toy...the drinking gods smile upon him and he spends the rest of the night getting quietly drunk playing wii bowling and repairing the chaos i spread throughout the small basement. around 5 i look down at my chew tin, knowing i had bought it that day. it is nearly empty. i suddenly realize i have a full double horse shoe in and have for since i got there apparently. i blow into the breathalyzer, a .25. this amazes the 15 or so people down there, one had been arrested for a dui, blew a .15 and could barely walk. i'm standing and screaming insults at anyone in the vicinity. not all uncommon, and i'm playing drinking games, so it is bound to happen really.

around 6 another 30 pack of busch light comes down the stairway, along with a few sober people. i decide that if they aren't drinking it, i may as well. moving with the stealth of a drugged horse, i take the 30 pack and attempt to run into a bedroom. i say attempt there because i tripped on a phone charger cord, face first into the beer i was coddling like a new born child. there is quite a lot of laughing at my expense, but fawk them, who has the beer? this is where things get very fuzzy from my perspective. i remember playing wii bowling while being held up by a friend, who just so happened to be a crush of mine. she retells the rest of the story to me the next day.

according to her: from now on for the sake of clarity, she is gfriend (she has no reason to lie, and her story was confirmed by people far more sober than she was) after i got up from my face plant into the beer, i grabbed the stolen beer case, and stood there guarding it like i was paid to. to the point of bearing my chew filled teeth at those who came too close. this continued until i was halfway through the case and distracted by the wii. she gave the case back to the owners saying "just stand back an watch the show" while she is doing this, the friend i came with came up and breathalyzers me, .30. according to google, i should be passing out and/or dead. when some one states this, i begin screaming while still playing the wii. i break the light above the tv, but throw a strike. i have mastered this game. around 8, gfriend says that i decided that the wii was too easy now, took the massive wad of tobacco out of my mouth, and head outside for a smoke. on the way up the stairs, she hits me with the breathalyzer, as this has now become a party game of "how drunk will pete get tonight". i blow a .32. i am outraged at my poor progress, and grab the beer closest to me. little did i know that this was a spitter and had been mine most of the night. i spit the chew spit back into the can (i am a guest there...) and go have a smoke. when i come back down, people are pouring shots, celebrating something that i have no clue about. the shots are just jagermeister, and i did enjoy it enough to come out of raging psychopath mode and into friendly pete mode. i get the breathalyzer again. ERR is the screen (one of the few things i remember) and both the friend i came with and gfriend look at me. he digs out the instruction manual, it says that it pegs out at .4. we wait a half hour to make sure it wasn't residual jager in my mouth throwing it off, i am not allowed to drink, and my usual bed is taken by someone i don't know. i am not happy. again, the screen reads ERR, i proclaim that my work is done, and find a chair to pass out in.

the aftermath of that was gfriend and another close friend of mine hooking up, going out, and being happy for a few months. i was pissed, but he's a good guy, and apparently i pointed each other out or something. that was also the last time the breathalyzer came to a party. that thing was the angel of death in a small plastic package. that night also marked a series of increasingly unbelievable nights that involved massive amounts of alcohol with a lot of stupidity. i woke up, blew into the box, and still blow a .21. i go back to sleep, trying to ignore the fact that my mouth feels like i was chewing sandpaper the night before.

Last edited by ghtpdm5; 07-23-2012 at 05:41 PM.
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Old 07-24-2012, 08:49 PM   #7
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Default Re: powered by two tiny AAA batteries.........

Have you guys seen that chain drive crawler on youtube?
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