A little comdey to bring some of us cubicle monkeys up.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK :
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so thesmell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn'tknow where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure thesmell has left your pants.
FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do notacknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop , several farts slip out at a machine gunpace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has leftthe bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink upthe bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OFSHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortablemoment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best topretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and isdamn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Alwayslook around the office for the Out Of the ClosetPooper before enteringthe bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK ( P.F.N): A group of co-workers who bandtogether to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. Thisgroup can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the ClosetPoopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in thebuilding where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in thestall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. Ifthis occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroomthat you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroomimmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using aCamo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: An Uncle Ted is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front ofthe mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult torelax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom
attendees.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK :
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so thesmell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn'tknow where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure thesmell has left your pants.
FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do notacknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop , several farts slip out at a machine gunpace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has leftthe bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink upthe bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OFSHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortablemoment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best topretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and isdamn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Alwayslook around the office for the Out Of the ClosetPooper before enteringthe bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK ( P.F.N): A group of co-workers who bandtogether to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. Thisgroup can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the ClosetPoopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in thebuilding where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in thestall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. Ifthis occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroomthat you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroomimmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using aCamo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: An Uncle Ted is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front ofthe mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult torelax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom
attendees.
