Normally wouldn't wade into something like this, it's not something I like a lot of people knowing about......and that's half the problem. Only certain family members know about it, only 1 good friend. I found out while I was sitting with my dad a couple days before he passed away that he also had battled depression all his life. The look on his face when I told him about things and that I was on the same meds he had been on most of his life, the look of absolute terror on his face is something I'll never forget. I say terror, because dad had been there, had those thoughts and now his son was there. The terrifying thought for me is will my son be affected in years to come??
Like most, I've tried to muddle my way through things for a long time, before having a breakdown a few years ago. For me, it was mostly uni studying, working long hours and father duties all at the same time which over-loaded a head already full of crap. Along comes that straw to break the camels back and hospital quiet room here I come. Doc's gave me Zoloft, but there was still always something there. It took the edge off, but not enough. The thing is too, the meds had other side effects that made things worse. Trying to have 'relations' with the wife, yeah right...short term memory, gone.....energy during the day, gone....regular sleep pattern, gone...The supposed benefits of meds was made redundant by what negative effects they had. That's just me though, I'm sure they work for someone out there.I remember driving to an appointment to see the doc for a check-up for this, listening to SLIPKNOT, yelling, screaming , flogging the shit out of the steering wheel, kicking the firewall,etc etc, when I got there I felt abso-bloody-lutely great.
Years and years before meeting my wife, I had "harmful" thoughts, like "how hard could it be to just wander the car onto the wrong side of the highway?", "what would happen if I just didn't brake at the lights?". Those thoughts are still there occasionally, not so often, but still there. If I'm honest, I don't believe I have the courage to ever do something, but I don't see it as healthy for me to think like that. That's not as bad as others get, or the same sort of thing that others go through, that's just me....we're all different.
Thinking about it now, the only thing that has kept me sane lately is working on my crawler. I haven't driven it in about 9weeks, just constantly working on it. It's how I keep my mind off things. My wife, like others it would seem, doesn't understand, even though she has fought through this as well. Most of the time I keep things bottled up, which is not good either, because it comes out as anger and rage later on and is dirrected at her and the young fella, which in turn makes me feel worse because I'm being a prick of a husband and father.
Been of the Zoloft for a while now, I think it's completly out of my system. I've been trying to get myself fit to see if that helps, trying to cut back on the alcohol, trying to get the body healthy. I'm of the opinion, what works, works. It's different for all of us. Doc's can help, but not fix.
I used to think dpression was a load of crap until I thought back on my life and realised I'bd been living with it in some form since my early teens. Now when I hear of someone with depression, they have my full attention and sympathy and support.
Like I say, not the sort of thing I let out much, but this being the thread it is, feels like I can put it out there without the sort of shit I'd get from friends and family.
basicly go out and have intense long lasting fun.
:lmao:
