Only a man would attempt this...

[Mad4Rnr]

Got this in an email today, couldn't find a thread so thought I'd share, pretty funny...




ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my
wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best! I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst
would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head,
which I believe came from my hair. P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my
experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

[chicostaxxs007]

lolhave any burnt marks

[chicostaxxs007]

cant stop laughing,my brother in law is 18 a wiz kid.he made one out of a disposable camra n i was on some gin n juice and zapped myself that sh** hurts, i can only imagine what you went threw.

[Mad4Rnr]

Just to reiterate I did not do this to myself. I was coppied on a email from some else who knows the guy who did this.

[TURTLE]

:l mao:

I almost pooped myself reading that.

[cascade crawler]

Originally Posted by TURTLE

:l mao:

I almost pooped myself reading that.

this should be a sticky

[Oso787]

I was reading this and my wife kept asking WTF was wrong with me! It made me cry!

[salmonshark]

Yeah, this one is a classic.

SS

[BJoe]

Ahhhhh, an oldie but a goodie, still just as funny as "Why you don't take your husband to Wal-Mart/Target" and the "Texas Chili Cook-off"

[viper6171]

roflmao that is priceless i laughed so hard i had tears running down my face and so did my fiance' seeing how i read it to her . is it bad that i got to the portion of the story where he was sitting in the recliner and i knew what was about to happen .

[JIA's Dad]

I think that's a repost, but I can't find it either!!!

[richardgarrett56]

now that's fcuking funny .a manly thing to dothat's a great story..

[BJoe]

Originally Posted by viper6171

roflmao that is priceless i laughed so hard i had tears running down my face and so did my fiance' seeing how i read it to her . is it bad that i got to the portion of the story where he was sitting in the recliner and i knew what was about to happen .

No, unless it was from 1st hand experiance

[JasonInAugusta]

Originally Posted by Mad4Rnr

Just to reiterate I did not do this to myself. I was coppied on a email from some else who knows the guy who did this.

Really?

This has been circulating for quite some time - since 2004, as a matter of fact

http://tinyurl.com/2b897hs

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

[Mad4Rnr]

Originally Posted by JasonInAugusta

Really?

This has been circulating for quite some time - since 2004, as a matter of fact

http://tinyurl.com/2b897hs

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

funny, my buddy implied that he knew the guy...maybe he's full of sh!t

[KNIFE]

I COULDA HELPED YOU OUT WITH THAT...........DUMBARSE

[RANOVRU]

This is the funniest taser related vid I could find on Youtube. Marine Corp taser training. Sounds like fun doesnt it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFSW4...eature=related



Amazing how most of them pop right back up. I think this is the reason a lot of the people you see tasered by police get it more than once, they dont understand you have to stay completely still for the officer to remove the wires.

[krazykrawler]

Originally Posted by JasonInAugusta

Really?

This has been circulating for quite some time - since 2004, as a matter of fact

http://tinyurl.com/2b897hs

http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/taser.asp

Awww come on,even if it is from2004 its still about the funniest thing Ive read in a LONG time

[The Violator]

I have some buddies who were in Las Vegas. One of them got lost and while the others were looking for him they were arrested. It turns out that when they were drunk they accidentally stole a police car and the only way for them to not go to jail was to get tasered for a group of students. I think there might even be some video of the incident somewhere on youtube, but I am not sure.

At least thats what they told me.

[JasonInAugusta]

I fully expected this news article when I saw the thread title.

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/808171-...strial-grinder

Man's penis freed from metal pipe with industrial grinder
A man who got his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters using a metal grinder, after doctors in casualty could not free his genitals from their metal trap.

Medics at Southampton General Hospital struggled to get the man's penis out of the stainless steel pipe, because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become erect.

Instead, they resorted called in Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service.

The fire crew turned up with a special equipment unit from St Mary's station in Southampton and seven firefighters to help, in what a spokesman understatedly described as a 'delicate operation'.

The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch industrial metal grinder to cut the pipe from around the anaesthetised man's penis.

The penis was left bruised and swollen, but otherwise unharmed by its traumatic day.

The man, thought to be aged around 40, did not explain to hospital staff how exactly the pipe got stuck around his penis, after he presented himself at the hospital's Accident & Emergency department on Tuesday morning. He was said to be 'quite concerned and anxious'.

A Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service spokesman said: 'It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting.

'It's certainly an unusual call-out, and I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again.'

Watch manager Greg Garrett from the Redbridge fire station told the Southampton daily Echo: 'I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence.'