11-24-2010, 09:40 AM | #1 |
I wanna be Dave Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 16,952
| Funny Friday
Yeah, well, it feels like Friday to me. Let's see your best jokes! Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires..... Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks. A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." |
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11-24-2010, 09:43 AM | #2 |
Old guy Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Northwest Arkie-saw and we got ROCKS!
Posts: 7,548
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Whats the differance between Inlaws and Outlaws. Outlaws are wanted. |
11-24-2010, 09:52 AM | #3 |
I wanna be Dave Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 16,952
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Good one Ricky! I take it you'll be eating alone tomorrow? |
11-24-2010, 10:16 AM | #4 |
I wanna be Dave Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chico now
Posts: 2,384
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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey, bartender says "You can't bring that monkey in here" Guy says " He is very smart and well trained, he will be good, I promise" Bartender " okay" The guy sits down and orders a drink, the monkey jumps up on the bar, starts running up and down the bar sticking his hands in people's drinks, throwing drinks, and causing a raucous. The monkey jumps off the bar onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, puts it in his mouth and swallows it. Bartender " Get that stupid monkey out of my bar and don't come back" Guy leaves the bar with the monkey. A week goes by and the guy walks into the bar with the monkey again. Bartender "I told you last time not to bring that monkey into my bar ever again" Guy "I've been working with him a lot this last week, he will be good this time, I promise" Bartender " Okay, but this is your last chance" Guy sits down, orders a drink, and sure enough, the monkey jumps up on the bar, running back and forth, sticking his hands in people's drinks, and throwing drinks. Then the monkey grabs a cocktail olive, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Bartender "Buddy, your monkey just stuck an olive up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it" Guy "Yeah, ever since he shit out that cue ball, he has been measuring everything before he eats it." |
11-24-2010, 10:22 AM | #5 |
I wanna be Dave Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chico now
Posts: 2,384
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Why did cave-men drag their women around by their hair? If they drug them by their feet, they would fill up with dirt. |
11-24-2010, 10:30 AM | #6 |
I wanna be Dave Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 16,952
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Haha....good ones Travis!
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11-24-2010, 10:33 AM | #7 |
Old guy Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Northwest Arkie-saw and we got ROCKS!
Posts: 7,548
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11-24-2010, 10:34 AM | #8 |
dnf Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Under a big fkn rock.
Posts: 1,901
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11-26-2010, 09:49 AM | #9 |
Old guy Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Northwest Arkie-saw and we got ROCKS!
Posts: 7,548
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Texans tend to take their politics darned seriously. Fortunately, after all is said and done, some clear-thinking folks try to mend the fences. Well maybe. As shown in this poem. The election is over, the result it is known. The will of the people it clearly is shown. Let's forget the quarrels and show by our deeds We'll give our leader all the help that he needs So let's all get together and let bitterness pass. I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my...donkey ass. |
11-26-2010, 09:54 AM | #10 | |
dnf Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Under a big fkn rock.
Posts: 1,901
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11-26-2010, 10:46 AM | #11 | |
dnf Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Under a big fkn rock.
Posts: 1,901
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11-26-2010, 10:55 AM | #12 |
Old guy Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Northwest Arkie-saw and we got ROCKS!
Posts: 7,548
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11-26-2010, 11:01 AM | #13 |
Rock Crawler Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: home town marsing
Posts: 899
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I seen today that two blonds walked into a building to day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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11-26-2010, 11:11 AM | #14 |
Old guy Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Northwest Arkie-saw and we got ROCKS!
Posts: 7,548
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11-26-2010, 11:12 AM | #15 |
Old guy Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Northwest Arkie-saw and we got ROCKS!
Posts: 7,548
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In Fort Worth at a crowded bus stop near the stock yards, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. . As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. . Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!". At this the Texan tipped his hat and drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends." |
11-26-2010, 11:15 AM | #16 |
Old guy Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Northwest Arkie-saw and we got ROCKS!
Posts: 7,548
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After having their 11th child, a Texas couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Texan said to the doctor, "I might not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Texas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that two, learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he stopped, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. This medical procedure also works in Tennessee, West Virginia, Kentucky and Arkansas |
11-26-2010, 11:25 AM | #17 |
Old guy Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Northwest Arkie-saw and we got ROCKS!
Posts: 7,548
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A cowgirl, from Fort Worth, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Waco, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters though." |
11-26-2010, 01:02 PM | #18 |
Quarry Creeper Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Mechanicsville, VA
Posts: 464
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Dear Chair, You may get a lot of ass, but I get a lot of head. Sincerely, Pillow |
11-26-2010, 02:38 PM | #19 |
Quarry Creeper Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: fremont
Posts: 265
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what do women and aircraft have in common? Both have cockpits... an oldie
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11-26-2010, 05:56 PM | #20 |
Quarry Creeper Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Kaufman
Posts: 451
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I dont think I can post any jokes with out getting banned |
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