ANy good jokes today?

[johnnyh66]

A thread in the newb section reminded me of a joke my grandfather used to say to women who came into his garage...

He'd say: Hey Sally (insert female name here), do you know the definition of a brute?
She'd say: no
He'd say: A brute is a man that puts on a condom with a tire iron!
When the women would look at him like he was crazy...
He'd say: Ohh, don't worry. I'm a little guy, I just use a screwdriver :twisted:

he was a mechanic & body man with his own shop. I guess you could get away with that back then, plus he had a way about him... people always laughed and never got offended with him, he was damn funny.

 

[C*H*U*D]

A hooded bank robber walked into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'

 

[Mudsy]

What's green, slimey and smells like Miss Piggy?























Kermit's fingers.

 

[TXJeeper1]

Ok this one if funny.

I woman goes to the doctor with a black eye and tells him that after 20 years of marriage her husband has started drinking after recently losing his job at the factory. She goes on to say that when he gets home from the bar with the guys he will sometimes get angry at her and hit her.

The doctor tells her to try something. The next time her husband comes home drunk go to the fridge and get a mouth full of tea and and hold it in your mouth until he goes to bed or passes out and that should help with the black eye.

A week goes by and the woman returns to the doctor as happy as could be. She says Doc you were right I kept the tea in my mouth and he didn't hit me, we actually had a very pleasant night. She says, but I don't understand how something as simple as a mouth full of tea would keep my husband from hitting me.

The doctor looks at her and says with your mouth full of tea you have to keep your damn mouth shut!

 

[punkfan]

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection..........A quarter pounder with cheese

 

[chicostaxxs007]

A women posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this....

'Looking for a man with these qualifications;won't beat me up;or run away from me and is great in bed;

she got lots of phone callsreplying to her ad but met someone perfectat her door one day.The man she met said,hey im bob.I have no arms so i won't beat you up and no legs so i won't run away."

So the lady says, "what makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

 

[losikid]

Barack obama was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy.” So, Barack asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Obama, “that would be an accident.”

A girl raised her hand and said, “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” the President said. “That’s what we would call a Great Loss.”

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Obama searched the room and asked, “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Obama, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy.”

“That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?” asked the President.

“Well,” Johnny said, “because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss…”

 

[losikid]

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

 

[losikid]

Little Johnny and Suzie were walking home from school after their first sex education class, when Suzie said that one thing she didn't understand about it all was, "What is a penis?"

Little Johnny said he didn't know either, but would ask his father that night, because his father "Knew everything." That night, when Johnny's father came home from work, Little Johnny asked, "Dad, what's a penis?"

Johnny's father led him into the bedroom, where Johnny's father dropped his trousers, pointed down, and said, "That, Johnny, is a penis." He then looked down at it and added, "In fact, that's what I would call a PERFECT penis!"

Little Johnny was impressed, thanked his father for explaining it, and ran out to play. The next morning, Little Johnny and Suzie were walking to school when Johnny proudly announced that he knew what a penis is. Suzie wanted to know, so Johnny led her around behind a bush, dropped his trousers, pointed down, and announced, "That, Suzie, is a penis." He looked down at it and added, "In fact, if it was just 3 inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis!!!"

 

[2500hdon37s]

wanna hear a joke? pu$$Y...... get it? (no) yea, you probaly never will.



whats better than getting a silver metal at the special olympics?

 

[2500hdon37s]

not being retarded

 

[chicostaxxs007]

where they at?

 

[chicostaxxs007]

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes."what happend to you?"asked the doctor."well it all started when my wife and i were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field.when we went to investigate, i saw the ball in a cow's ass.i went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when i made my mistake."the doctor looked puzzled and asked,"what mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!"

 

[Grandmasboy]

Here is proof that men make better friends than women...


A wife comes in at 7 am after being out all night. Her husband is sitting in the kitchen waiting for her. When he asks her where she's been she replies that she fell asleep at a friend's house. The husband goes and calls her 10 closest friends to confirm this, and ALL 10 said she hadn't been there.

A husband comes in at 7 am after being out all night. His wife is sitting in the kitchen waiting for him. When she asks him where he's been he replies that he fell asleep at a friend's house. The wife goes and calls his 10 closest friends to confirm this and ALL 10 said that he had in fact been there, and 2 of those 10 said that he was actually still there, but was in the shower and would have to call her back.

 

[speed ghilliesniper]

This should cover everyone.
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. whats yhe differnce between a blond and a brick???
A. the brick won't follow you home after it's laid

Q. How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb
A. None. Atheists don't see the light

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United States

Q. What do you call a shed full of Black people?
A. Antique farm equipment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.