johnnyh66
Scale Detail Engineering
:lmao:
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ANy good jokes today?
- Thread starter crash
- Start date
:lmao:
johnnyh66
Scale Detail Engineering
what's 18" long and keeps a woman up all night long screaming?
crib death :twisted:
crib death :twisted:
punkfan
Quarry Creeper
ballons are like virginity.......one prick and it's all over with.
Slowkrawl
Quarry Creeper
Recent studies have shown that 9 out of 10 men prefer big breasts. The 10th guy prefers the other 9 men.
A man and his wife are driving down the freeway, when suddenly she turns to him and says that she has been seeing someone else, and is filing for divorce. He is a bit stunned by this developement, but continues to drive along at a conservative 55 mph.
"Just so you know" says the wife, "I've already spoken with the lawyer, and I'm getting the house".
He speeds up to 65 mph and says nothing.
"And the kids too. You're going to be paying child support for a looooong time".
He speeds up to 75 mph and says nothing.
"Also the dog, the boat, and our vacation property in Aspen".
He speeds up to 85 mph, and says nothing.
"Well?" she says. "Aren't you going to say anything? Isn't there anything you want?"
"Nope" he replies, "I've got everything I need".
He speeds up to 95 mph.
"Oh, whats that?" she asks.
As he accelerates up over 100 he says "Drivers side airbag."
"Just so you know" says the wife, "I've already spoken with the lawyer, and I'm getting the house".
He speeds up to 65 mph and says nothing.
"And the kids too. You're going to be paying child support for a looooong time".
He speeds up to 75 mph and says nothing.
"Also the dog, the boat, and our vacation property in Aspen".
He speeds up to 85 mph, and says nothing.
"Well?" she says. "Aren't you going to say anything? Isn't there anything you want?"
"Nope" he replies, "I've got everything I need".
He speeds up to 95 mph.
"Oh, whats that?" she asks.
As he accelerates up over 100 he says "Drivers side airbag."
What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horses ass? A mechanic.
How do you know if a lesbian built your house? Everything is tongue-in-groove and there are no studs.
What do you call a bunch of Polish guys wearing turbans? A Pakastanleys.
How do you know your grandparents have gone deaf? You catch them having sex on top of the cat.
Two eagles are flying along when a jet goes screaming by them. "Holy shit! Did you see how fast that thing was?" exclaimed one eagle. "Well yeah" said the other eagle, "you'd fly that fast too if your ass was on fire."
An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."
That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "To the kitchen."
She says, "Will you get me some vanilla ice cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream."
She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She says, "You forgot my toast."
How do you know if a lesbian built your house? Everything is tongue-in-groove and there are no studs.
What do you call a bunch of Polish guys wearing turbans? A Pakastanleys.
How do you know your grandparents have gone deaf? You catch them having sex on top of the cat.
Two eagles are flying along when a jet goes screaming by them. "Holy shit! Did you see how fast that thing was?" exclaimed one eagle. "Well yeah" said the other eagle, "you'd fly that fast too if your ass was on fire."
An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to see their doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."
That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "To the kitchen."
She says, "Will you get me some vanilla ice cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream."
She says, "Could I have strawberries and whip cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down...vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She says, "You forgot my toast."
TANK
Rock Crawler
Donald Trump running for president...:shock:
I win.
I win.
Oso787
Rock Crawler
I don't know how this can be so wrong and funny at the same time but here it goes:
A little african-american boy dies in a car accident and goes to heaven. He tells God very excited: " God, God, Look I have wings! Does that means I am an Angel?
God replies: "Naaahhh Nigga, you're a bat!
A little african-american boy dies in a car accident and goes to heaven. He tells God very excited: " God, God, Look I have wings! Does that means I am an Angel?
God replies: "Naaahhh Nigga, you're a bat!
My favorite part of yoga is when she starts fingering herself on a webcam.
Paralyzed people always freak when I push them towards the lake. I guess the sand screws up their wheelchair or something.
I could be your stuperman.
"It takes balls to be a man."
Paralyzed people always freak when I push them towards the lake. I guess the sand screws up their wheelchair or something.
I could be your stuperman.
"It takes balls to be a man."
RocJoc
Quarry Creeper
a man is driving down the road and see's nigga running down the road with a big screen tv and says damn that looks like mine, and then thinks for second and said, no mine's home polishing my shoes.
Oh boy...
Wish I could do something for you.
losikid
Got Worms?
Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
"OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit?"
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to The Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
"OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit?"
demonoid369
RCC Addict
:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: that one just made my day
losikid
Got Worms?
A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The French teacher wasn't sure which gender it was, so she ivided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The French teacher wasn't sure which gender it was, so she ivided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
losikid
Got Worms?
Last one for now, kinda dirty
-------------------------------------------
That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.
Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!"
-------------------------------------------
That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.
Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!"
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dezrik
Rock Crawler
That last one losikid :lmao:
demonoid369
RCC Addict
Bob walks into his living room and sees his wife watching a cooking show. "why are you watching that?" he asks her. "you can't cook!" "well," she replies, "you watch porn........"
