ANy good jokes today?

[losikid]

As the Manager of a small business that employs 80 people, I have finally resigned to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for the tax increases I figure our customers will have to see a price increase of about 8%, but due to the dismal state of our economy we can't increase prices right now, so we'll have to lay off 7 of our employees instead. This problem has really been eating at me, as I believe we're all family here and I just don't know how to choose who will have to go. Everyone has families and our employees are good people.

So this is what I did... I walked through our parking lot and found 7 Obama '08 bumper stickers on our employees' cars, and decided that these employees will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change, so I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know. Sincerely, a small business owner.

 

[losikid]

A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks "How many of you believein ghosts?" About 80 of his students raise their hands.

"That's a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?" About 30 students raise their hands.

"That's good. I'm really glad you're taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About a dozen students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?" Two students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one last question... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don't you come up here and tell us about it."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Oh... I thought you said 'goats'!"

 

[CenCalCrawler]

LMAO.....I'LL have to check this tag daily for a good laugh...I canty hgardly see right now laUGHING TO HARD..:lmao:

 

[crash]

Keep them coming :lmao:

 

[losikid]

A freshly elected Barrack Obama is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen when a little man comes up to him.

"Excuse me Mr. President but my name is Jason Prins and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, "Hello Jason".

President Obama, eager to please, readily agrees and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by deep in conversation with his client. Obama approached him and said " Hello Jason."

The little man says "F**k off, Barrack! I'm in a meeting!" and keeps walking.

 

[losikid]

Secret service ain't smarter than a redneck:mrgreen:

 

[prusik333]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I
take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the
garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the<o></o>
block, so another dog is pushing her home." <o></o>

 

[jhtoy]

A guy is backpacking across Europe and stops at a small pub for some refreshments.He sits down and orders a brew and looks around the bar.He notices a stranger eyeing him from across the bar.Before he can take a sip from his brew the stranger approaches and says(insert heavy Irish accent here)do you see this bar your leaning on?The backpacker shrugs and cautiosly says yes.The stranger says well I built this f***in bar but do you think they call me McGregor the bar builder,naaaayyy!The stranger then says do you see that stool your sittin on?The backpacker nods and the stranger says well do you think they call me McGregor the stool builder,naaaayyy!The backpacker is getting nervous now and then the stranger says did you see that gate you walked thru on the way into the pub?Well I built that gate but do you think they call me McGregor the gate builder,naaaayyyy!But you f**k ONE goat...............

 

[Vp Monkey]

-- What is the first symptom of aids?

-- A heavy pounding in your rectum

 

[wallaz]

I shagged a girl with a stutter last night. I was lucky though......
I just managed to finish before she said no.


Just home from the World Blindfold Wankin Championships......
**** knows where I came.


The wife is pissed off with me again....last night I swapped her Tampax for a Party Popper........honestly, no ****ing sense of humour whatsoever!!!

 

[Krawler Konceptz]

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....":mrgreen:

 

[crash]

Nice guys "thumbsup"

 

[Jeepkid]

This is more of a Chuck Norris fact or two, but funny to me.


Did you know that Chuck Norris was going to be in the movie Alien vs. Preditor, it was going to be Alien vs Preditor Vs Norris. The producers deside not to. Saying that, people arent going to pay 8bucks to see a 14second movie.


Chuck Norris dosent flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it.


Did you know Chuck Nossis dosent have birthdays? His birthdays have Chuck Norrises.

 

[Mr.Slave]

why do women wear makeup and perfume?


cause theyre ugly and they stink.

 

[Ripperfi]

So a child molestor and a young boy are walking into the woods. They keep walking and walking and its getting deeper and darker as they go. The boy says out loud, Mister, Im getting scared. The man replies, Your scared? I have to walk out of here alone.

 

[SMOKEY]

50,000 battered women in america.........and all this time i have been eating mine raw

Beat me too it but heard it
10,000 battered women and I've been eating mine plain

 

[SMOKEY]

Three little black boys witness a rape in a park. It come time for them to tell there story in court and the judge calls up the youngest boy and asks him to describe what he saw in his own words. so the boy says well your honor they were a screwing and a f--king. shocked the judge say I'm fining you ten dollars for such foul language and please step down and quickly calls up the next boy. judge says now son tell me what happened well your honor they where having sex and a f--king. the judge again fines the boy ten dollars for foul language in his court room. The judge calls up the oldest boy and asks him to in his own words and with out any foul language to please describe what he saw. so the boy says well your honor it went like this there was ten toes up ten toes down two black asses going round and round they was belly to belly and chin to chin and if that ain't f--king than you can fine me ten

 

[tony tt]

Scientists Baffled

I know this is tasteless and whatnot but it made me chuckle


There was an article in the US World Report regarding the orderly behavior of the Japanese citizens and the absence of looting after the earthquake and the nuclear nightmare. Social scientists are baffled by the total non-existence of looting and savage behavior in Japan considering the magnitude of this catastrophe. They conferred with human study organizations as well as sociology experts throughout the United States .. Finally, after days and days of studies and meetings, they came to a conclusion.






























There are no nigga's in Japan .

 

[CmdrZod]

Rut Roe!!!!


:shock:

 

[2500hdon37s]

gas prices.

Obama.